Dr. Ruth Westheimer, the renowned sex therapist and author, passed away on July 12, 2024, at the age of 96. Known for her frank discussions on sexuality and marriage, Dr. Ruth's teachings influenced generations of couples and individuals, inspiring them to live more fulfilling and joyful lives.
Dr. Ruth's philosophy and advice were always oriented to marriage – and they profoundly influenced unmarried people as well. Each year, a few of our Shabbat dinners are for Jewish singles looking to get married within 18 months. Dr. Ruth always made sure to come to those. She would speak about the wonders of marriage, and implored the young people to commit soon and enthusiastically. At one of the dinners, she gamified it – giving the attendees some kind of challenge (I forget what it was). The winner got a signed copy of the 1985 board game, "Dr. Ruth's Game of Good Sex" – which we had bought on eBay for the occasion.
At one of those singles dinners, the man who was leading the kitchen staff came up to me and pulled me aside. He was clearly emotional. He pointed to Dr. Ruth and said, "She saved my life." I knew that Dr. Ruth was a supporter of United Hatzalah (Israel's crowd-sourced system of volunteer first response) – but that couldn't be it. What could he mean? He explained that he was a gay man who came of age in the 1980s. He said it was a crazy time – but then he started listening to "Sexually Speaking." He took from her what he said that no one else was saying – You have nothing to be ashamed about if you are gay, but should be monogamous and use protection.
Dr. Ruth's Wisdom: Love, Marriage, and the Joy of Living
In 2010, our second child – Elijah – was born. Erica and I asked Dr. Ruth to be the sandik, this is the honored position at the bris (the ritual circumcision). The role of the sandik is to hold the baby still while the circumcision is performed. If Joshua got his first Shabbat with Dr. Ruth, Elijah would get her as the sandik. She said that while she was honored and thrilled to be the sandik, she did not feel as if she was fully physically capable of holding the baby steady. Cory Booker, then the mayor of Newark, stepped up and helped her. Yet another lesson from Dr. Ruth: As one gets older, always be self-aware and realistic about the realities of aging.
It was around seven years later when Dr. Ruth taught us (and everyone else who was there) about what is not a reality of aging. Howard Stahl, an extraordinary Cantor who had served three synagogues over more than four decades, was there. She asked him what he does. Howard said, "I just retired." She took a moment, as if to compose herself before exclaiming: "You can rewire, but you cannot retire!" She proceeded to tell this brilliant and distinguished clergyman about why he should never "retire" – but instead find new outlets for his many skills and gifts.
Dr. Ruth's Wisdom: Love, Marriage, and the Joy of Living
She lived that. Every time – I think actually every time – she came over for Shabbat, she talked about a new project that she was completing. It was often a book, and she would bring copies for everyone. It was sometimes a documentary, a conference or a speech she was preparing. Erica and I last saw her a couple of months ago – in her apartment in Washington Heights, where she lived for more than sixty years. She was physically infirm then, and it was clear that she would not be able to leave the apartment again. The topic of conversation: Our families, and her new book that was coming out in September.
In the elevator ride down, Erica and I remarked on something we had said to each other many times before: Dr. Ruth is the most future-oriented person we have ever known. Yet another lesson from Dr. Ruth: If you want to live a vibrant, exciting life to age 96 – always have something in the future that you are excited about and working towards. Her future orientation explains another attribute of Dr. Ruth that we (and everyone else who met her at our Shabbat dinners) noted: She loved children. Around five years after she served as Elijah's sandik, it turned out that the baby that she and Cory held during the circumcision was a very good chess player. The first thing she would do when she came over (and she always came over early – another thing we learned from her) was ask Elijah to play chess with her. She would then challenge any other kids (and some adults) who came in.
Dr. Ruth's Wisdom: Love, Marriage, and the Joy of Living
It turns out that Dr. Ruth was, as well, a very good chess player. We asked her how she got good at chess. She said that she learned it at the Swiss boarding school during the War. She probably had not played in eighty years, but she could beat most people who accepted her challenge at our apartment. Whether she won or lost to a child (and some of her "losses" were clearly because she wanted the child to win), she always effusively praised the child – and called in the parents to tell them how smart and promising the child was.
I know just one thing about Dr. Ruth's politics – and it is not who she ever voted for, or whether she was a Democrat or Republican. She never seemed very interested in those kinds of discussions. The one thing I know is that she loved the United States of America. Whenever she got the opportunity to praise America, express gratitude for America or convince others that they, too, should love America – she took it with her trademark enthusiasm. The same is true of Americans, as was evident by how she interacted with and spoke of all kinds of people from throughout the country.
In the Torah portion we read in synagogues this morning (Chukat), we learned about the death of Aaron – the brother of Moses, and the religious leader of the emerging Jews. Aaron, we learn, was "gathered to his people." Even though his body is buried, his soul – as is manifested by the influence that his great life had on those who remain and will follow – lives on through his people. The proof: we learned about Aaron this morning, as will (God willing) infinite generations after us. The same is true of Dr. Ruth. She will be buried tomorrow. But the many lessons that she taught her people – lessons that we know now, and that will be revealed when we reflect on her in the years to come – will live on forever. May her memory be for a blessing.
